


Kirihara and the Big, Bad Bake Sale

by Whisper132



Category: Tennis no Oujisama | Prince of Tennis
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-05-24
Updated: 2006-05-24
Packaged: 2017-10-23 15:36:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/252002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whisper132/pseuds/Whisper132
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A thrilling tale of vengeange, pastries, and romance, all in the space of 12 drabbles.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kirihara and the Big, Bad Bake Sale

**  
Episode 1: Guidelines   
**

Kirihara stared at the baked goods before him, trying to remember everything he, the designated bake sale drone, was supposed to do. Niou-senpai said the brownies in the pink saran were only to be sold to members of the golf team. The ones in the blue saran were for the kendo team, per Yukimura, and the ones in the clear wrap were for the general public.

Pink, golf team. Blue, kendo team. Clear, public.

Yanagi-senpai said that the money was supposed to be sorted by amount. Bills and coins each had a separate place in the small aluminum box Kirihara was to use as his till.

Sort the bills. Sort the coins. Use the calculator to make change.

Sanada-fukubuchou said Kirihara was not to wander outside of the roped area of the booth. If he did so, he would be running 100 laps a day for the next month.

No leaving the area. No throwing things. Do not let anyone into the area. Do not get blood on the baked goods.

Marui-senpai had one warning: Respect the Food.

Kirihara thought Marui-senpai was crazy and needed to go into rehabilitation. Marui had never consumed a regular meal in the entire time Kirihara was at Rikkai. Marui’s body was going to shrivel up one day and Jackal would cry.

Cool.

 **  
Episode 2: Protecting The Selling Zone   
**

Kirihara didn’t think that girls should be admitted to Rikkai. They were noisy, they smelled like flowers – Kirihara was allergic to flowers – and they bought up all of the chocolate covered rice crispy treats before Kirihara could steal one.

Also, the girls swarmed the table and Kirihara-kun’d him and touched his hair and asked where Sanada and Yukimura were. Most of them wanted to know where Sanada was.

Girls were dumb and didn’t understand anything.

“Kirihara-kun, are the brownies good?” A girl from Kirihara’s class – he thought she was in his class at least – leaned over the goods table and batted her eyelashes at him.

Kirihara pushed her back. “Do not enter the selling zone,” Kirihara said, pointing to a sign on the front of the table. “And don’t bat your eyelashes. They’re fake and can fall on the food.” He pointed to another sign. “If you contaminate the food, you buy it.”

The girl ran off, crying.

Mission: success.

 **  
Episode 3: One Brownie Gone    
**

Pink, golf. Blue, kendo. This was not difficult for Kirihara to remember, particularly since Niou-senpai made him recite it thirty times before Niou handed over the bag full of Triple Death By Chocolate Brownies. Kirihara suspected that death actually was part of the brownie recipe, but wasn’t eager to experiment and find out.

No, the problem in distributing the brownies was that Kirihara didn’t have a list of the players on the kendo and golf teams. He played tennis, why should he worry about other teams?

“Brownie, please.” The guy dangling yen into the Selling Zone wore glasses like Yagyuu-senpai’s. He must be on the golf team. Pink, then.

Kirihara smiled, big and friendly like Yukimura-buchou showed him. “Here you go sir, one delicious Death by Chocolate Brownie, prepared by your graceful and victorious tennis club!” Yukimura also wrote the script.

The customer looked at the pink wrapping on the brownie and frowned. “Can I get a blue one?”

“No.”

“Pink is for girls. I want a blue one.” The golf club bastard tossed the brownie onto the table. Now Kirihara knew why Niou hated golf and wanted to save Yagyuu-senpai from the evil golfers.

“You get the pink one.” Kirihara’s eyes began to shift from a clear green to an undulating pink-red.

The customer took the pink brownie and ran. Too bad, Kirihara wanted to see Niou’s brownies in action. Ten pink brownies remained.

  
 **  
Episode 4: The First Fallen    
**

“Did the members of the tennis club really make these?” The annoying rat asking the questions was holding a kendo bag. Kirihara wanted to just give him a blue brownie and shove him away from the table. Kirihara couldn’t, though, because Yanagi-senpai was very specific in saying that, under no conditions, was food to be given for free.

“Yes.” Kirihara looked at an index card. “Each and every item that you see here. Insert hand motion.” Kirihara inserted the hand motion. “Was made by our talented and victorious tennis team. Please,” Kirihara brought the card closer because Yukimura-buchou’s kanji were hard to read. They curled in places kanji shouldn’t curl. “Please buy something and experience the majesty of our tennis team.”

“That was lame. I can’t believe Sanada left the kendo team for this.” The loser adjusted his kendo bag. “Did Sanada make anything?”

“Yes, he made the table for the sale. He pounded the nails in with his bare fists.” Kirihara was only embellishing a little bit. Sanada probably had gloves on, not just bare fists.

“I bet your buchou baked something.” The kendo player snickered and rooted through the brownies.

“Yukimura-buchou made these wonderful brownies.” Kirihara held out a blue brownie. “They’re Sanada-fukubuchou’s favorites. He has one after training. There’s protein powder in them, but you can’t taste it.”

“Just the sort of thing a prissy girl would make. Ch. Sanada should quit hanging out with pansies.”

Do not get blood on the food. Do not get blood on the food. “Please, have a brownie, compliments of the tennis team.” Kirihara would pay for it, himself. “Just sign here to claim it.” Yukimura would want the guy’s name. Yanagi-senpai could find out where he lived and Niou could go kill him in the night.

“Whatever.” The kendo player signed so sloppily Kirihara couldn’t make his name out. Jackal-senpai studied cryptography in Brazil, though, so everything would be okay.

“Here you go!” Kirihara handed the blue brownie over and waited. “Please let me know what you think of our fine product!” That was also Yukimura-buchou’s line.

Kendo boy took a bite, sneered, then fell backward, eyes glazed over.

Kirihara looked around to make sure no one was watching before ducking down and pulling the body under the table. “Fight-o fight-o Rikkaidai,” he sang, strapping the body to a small stretcher and texting Yukimura-buchou, per instructions.

  
 **  
Episode 5: Bodies Under the Table   
**

The body under the table twitched. Kirihara kicked it.

“Akaya, is that him?” Yukimura entered the Selling Zone and peeked under the table.

“Here’s his name, buchou. I made him sign the paper.” Kirihara held up the barely-legible name.

“Good job, I’ll take it from here.” Yukimura patted Kirihara’s head and looked back to the body under the selling table, eyes closing into slits that shot small sparks out of them. “I’ll send somebody to fetch this as soon as I’ve prepared a place for it.” A Spanish guitar tune echoed from Yukimura’s pants. “Yes? Oh, Sanada. No, everything is fine. No need to come. Yes, Akaya’s doing well. No, there isn’t any blood. I’ll tell him you said so.” Yukimura held the phone a little closer. “Love you. Don’t be silly, you can say it. Do you care what they think? There, that wasn’t so hard was it?”

Kirihara tried not to listen. Yukimura was embarrassing when he talked to Sanada that way.

“I’d like this please,” a girl said, staring at Kirihara with sparkly eyes.

“100 yen please.” Kirihara took her money, making sure to look extra-chipper now that Yukimura-buchou was watching. “Please enjoy the fruits of our love and continue to support us!” The word love left a foul aftertaste in Kirihara’s mouth.

“Did you make any of this, Kirihara-kun?” Another girl asked, making a grab for Kirihara’s hand.

“No.” Kirihara turned to make sure Yukimura was gone. He was. “Buchou said that I wasn’t allowed to bring anything from the store and my mom won’t let me use the stove so I have to sell the stuff.”

“You poor thing!” the girl said, again trying to grab at Kirihara’s hand. “Our golf team is selling punch. Want me to bring you some?”

Kirihara’s eyes brightened. “You’re on the golf team?”

“I’m in the top three in the district.”

Kirihara reached for the pink brownies. “Please, have this as a goodwill gesture. We’re hoping to form a tennis-golf alliance.” There went another 100 yen from Kirihara’s wallet.

It was worth it, though. The girl took a bite of the brownie and her face started to change colors; first red, then green, then a really nice teal color the same shade as Niou-senpai’s eyes. Then her skin began to break out into boils and Kirihara had to pull her under the table. Hopefully Yukimura-buchou would remove the kendo guy soon. There wasn’t any more room under the table.

  
 **  
Episode 6: Fate Worse Than Death   
**

The blisters on golf chick’s face were beginning to ooze. If Sanada heard the Selling Zone was getting messy, he’d hit Kirihara with his racquet again. Bastard.

“Yukimura-buchou sent me,” a freshman said. He was pretty bulky, but Kirihara doubted he would be able to carry the kendo guy by himself.

“So?”

“I’m supposed to cover for you while you take the captive to the clubhouse.” The ichinen grinned and shoved his way into the Selling Zone. “Better hurry, Buchou’s waiting.”

Kirihara didn’t respond, simply remembered the ichinen’s face for later beating and kicked the oozing golf girl off of the unconscious, twitching kendo guy. He dragged the stretcher across campus, glaring at anyone who dared stare at him.

“Wonderful Akaya, thank you.” Yukimura took the corner of the stretcher Kirihara was dragging and made a shooing motion. “You may go now.”

“Whatcha gonna do with him?” Kirihara noted that the kendo club member’s eyes were starting to flutter.

“I’m going to keep him as an example,” Yukimura said, smiling and pulling out a strip of black cloth from his pocket. “Lock the door on your way out, please.”

  
 **  
Episode 7: Back to the Selling Zone   
**

Kirihara returned to the Selling Zone to find the girl gone.

“Niou-senpai picked her up,” the freshman said. His hands were shaking. “Was Niou-senpai really born in a mental institution?”

Kirihara snickered and waited because it seemed the freshman wasn’t done talking. He had that haunted look in his eyes, the same look Kirihara had after he was beaten by Buchou, Fukubuchou and Yanagi-senpai in the space of forty-five minutes.

“He,” the freshman leaned closer, “he bit me. Am I going to get a disease?”

“You should go to the nurse’s office and tell them a big spider bit you.” Kirihara patted the ichinen on the head and scooted him out of the selling zone. “Hurry!” he called after the running freshman, “you don’t want the poison to set in!”

When he could stop laughing, Kirihara surveyed the goods on the table. The rice crispy treats were all gone. There were two regular brownies left and five each of the pink and blue. On the table was a list of names. Under the table was a tightly packed stack of bodies. Kirihara messaged his senpai and rearranged the table.

“Kirihara!” Marui jumped up out of a throng of students and landed, sprawled across the table.

“Do not enter the Selling Zone,” Kirihara said before shoving his senpai to the ground.

Marui grabbed a pink brownie and threw it.

“Respect the food,” Kirihara said, catching the brownie and setting it back on the table. He gave Marui his best grin before sticking his tongue out.

“That’s not food, that’s something Niou made!” Marui’s eyes hunted around the table. “Where’re the rice crispy treats?”

“Gone.”

“The marshmallow squares?”

“Gone.”

“My Lollipops of Love?”

“They’re over there. No one wants them. Your love is defective.” Kirihara took out a notecard from his pocket. “However, if you would like to place a special order for the treat of your choice, we will be happy to provide it for you next week for the same low price plus a small delivery charge.”

 **  
Episode 8: The Fuzz   
**

The instructions did not specify what Kirihara was supposed to do if the regular brownies were sold out and the principal wanted to buy something. Kirihara knew he should give the pink or blue brownies, but it was the principle and Kirihara didn’t want to be sent to the office for being insubordinate again. If he was sent to the office on more time this semester, his mother was going to skin him alive, which she would do smiling and singing the Doraemon theme. She loved that stupid theme more than she loved her children.

“Kirihara-kun, a brownie please.”

Think. He had to think. He was smart. He was the smartest person on the team next to Yukimura-buchou and Marui-senpai. Yes! “Here!” Kirihara shoved Marui’s creation at the principal. “Marui-senpai made these Lollipops of Love and no one’s bought any. He’s going to be really upset if someone doesn’t buy one. Please?” Kirihara tried to get his eyes to go teary, but it didn’t work. He settled for kneeling down on the ground and begging.

“Is that real fruit?”

“Yes. Absolutely. Marui-senpai is very health conscious with his snacks. He eats a lot so he has to make sure everything is healthy. He even chews sugarless gum.” Lies, all lies.

“Wonderful! Here’s payment, and give my praise to Marui-kun for being so conscientious.” The principal tossed 100 yen on the table and walked toward the abandoned golf team booth. Kirihara began packing up the bake sale. If the principal discovered that Marui-senpai put pop rocks, rock candy, and, in the special “mixed fruit” which the principal selected, small scale explosives, there would be trouble. Trouble meant being skinned alive. Being skinned alive meant missing the tennis season while his epidermis grew back.

“Yukimura-buchou will know what to do.” The sparse contents of the table packed into a cardboard box, Kirihara scampered to the club room to find Yukimura and to request body pickup as three bodies were still under the table, oozing from Niou’s brownies.

  
 **  
Episode 9: Behind Closed Doors   
**

The clubroom was full of chains.

There was a girl hanging off of Kirihara’s locker, drooling on it as her unconscious body swung from side to side, making little thud-thud noises that rattled through the otherwise silent clubroom.

Yukimura was nowhere to be found.

“Buchou?” Kirihara called, maneuvering around the various chains hanging from the ceiling. Some of them were attached to bodies. Some of the bodies were in white jackets with very long arms. “Buchou? The festival’s over. I have the till box.”

There was a sound from the direction of the showers, a low groan like a dying man, which Kirihara suspected it was.

“Buchou? You here?” The fluorescent lights flickered, then died. The only light in the room was the scant sunlight streaming through a small window to the south. The beams shivered and shook off of the rusted chains.

“Akaya.” A cloaked figure emerged from the showers, holding a candle.

Kirihara threw the till at the creature’s head and ran.

 **  
Episode 10: Fearless   
**

Kirihara huddled under a tree, snacking on a safe, store bought energy bar. He kept his eyes trained to the ground because, every time he looked, up, there were Megane Golf Zombies trying to attack him.

They wanted his brain.

“Akaya!” Footfalls sounded in the distance, squishing in the mud of the field.

“Go away!” Kirihara curled tighter into his tree. If he was small enough, the zombies wouldn’t find him and take him back to their evil, cloaked overlord, who would sap all his tennis skills, then let the zombies eat his brain.

“Akaya!” All of the zombies sounded like Sanada. How weird.

Dropping his energy bar, Kirihara took off in a run, headed toward the administrative building. After ten steps, a hand closed around his collar and shoved him to the ground.

Kirihara screamed.

“Stop it.” Sanada’s open palm smacked against Kirihara’s cheek. “Yukimura is waiting for you in the clubhouse.”

“There are Megane Golf Zombies in the clubhouse. I’m not going!”

Another slap. “You will do as you are told.” Sanada’s eyes were glowing. The zombies must’ve gotten to him.

What if they got the entire team?

What if they stole Kirihara’s jersey?

Kirihara stood, brushing what mud and grass he could off his trousers. “Let’s go, fukubuchou. We have to save the team!”

 **  
Episode 11: Overlords   
**

The robe made Kirihara itch in places his mother told him it was inappropriate to scratch in public. Also, Yanagi-senpai looked evil. Not standard evil, but a super-special kind of evil, like whatever Niou-senpai put in his brownies.

“You can’t do this to us!” the kendo guy from earlier screamed, his limbs flailing about as he swayed, suspended in the center of the clubhouse by several lengths of chain.

“Do tell me,” Yukimura-buchou said, a classroom pointer in his hands, smacking against his palms, “what, exactly, did you say about Sanada?”

“I didn’t say anything!”

“Akaya?” Yukimura asked. Yukimura-buchou’s eyes were glowing, probably an after-effect of the zombies.

“He said that Sanada-fukubuchou should quit the team and return to kendo.” Kirihara looked around, but was unable to find Sanada in the circle of cloaked figures. He was probably oiling the machines. Hopefully the zombies hadn’t gotten to him.

“Renji, the grip tape please.”

  
 **  
Episode 12: The Finale!   
**

  
Jackal-senpai was skilled with grip tape. He managed to completely mummify the kendo player, save for two air holes, in under three minutes.

Yanagi-senpai was still a zombie, though, Yukimura-buchou, too.

“Akaya, will you get Sanada from the storage closet please?” Buchou smiled like buchou always smiled, except he was holding a shinai and lining his swing up with the grip-taped guy’s stomach.

Sanada-fukubuchou was in the closet, sitting comfortably in a chair, reading a tennis magazine. “What are they doing out there, Akaya?” he asked, eyes still trained on his magazine. In the light of the single bulb lighting the closet, Sanada looked normal and much less like a brain-starved zombie, which was good. Sanada-fukubuchou would look silly in meganes.

“The Megane Zombies have taken over the team and they’ve strung up a kendo player and Buchou has a shinai and is about to kill him!” The words left Akaya in a rush of jittery, pre-battle excitement. With Sanada on his side, he was bound to win.

“Akaya, did you eat one of Niou’s brownies?” Sanada set his magazine down.

“Fukubuchou, this is serious! The team is in danger!” Kirihara pulled on Sanada’s arm.

“Sanada! Akaya!” Yukimura’s voice rattled the brooms in the closet.

Sanada stood, arm still stuck in Kirihara’s grip. “Come Akaya, I’ll put a stop to this nonsense.”

Together, they strode out of the closet, Kirihara using his split step to keep up with Sanada, whose stride was ridiculously long and whose pace was ridiculously fast. He looked cool, though, and one day Kirihara was going to grow and have long legs and the ability to snap freshman in half with a thought, just like Sanada-fukubuchou.

“Surprise!” Yukimura yelled as soon as Sanada entered the room. Niou and Yanagi tossed confetti from a bucket.

Sanada looked to the dangling figure in the center of the room. “What’s all this?”

“It’s your birthday present, Genichirou. Isn’t it wonderful?” Yukimura-buchou was grinning and hopping in place like the fangirls that hung around the courts during practice.

“We took pains to secure a healthy supply of former-rivals for your amusement, Genichirou.” Yanagi handed Sanada a piece of paper. “The idea was Seiichi’s, but the execution plans were mine.”

Sanada continued to frown and stare at the dangling body. “Are you two aware that this is illegal?” He turned to look at Kirihara. “You’ve also scared Akaya.”

Yukimura reached forward to pat Kirihara on the head and Akaya dodged, hiding behind Sanada. “I don’t want to be a zombie!” he screamed, hugging tight to Sanada’s waist. Wow, fukubuchou had some really great abs.

“Akaya, it would be prudent for you to release Sanada,” Yanagi said, stepping away from Yukimura.

“Don’t worry Renji, Akaya is merely maturing.” Yukimura moved forward again.

“Stay away!” Kirihara looked around for an improvised weapon.

In the meantime, Sanada turned, snatched up Kirihara by the collar, and walked toward the showers, where he turned the spray as cold as it could go and tossed Kirihara in a stall. “That’s enough of that.”

Kirihara sputtered and tried to breathe around his chattering teeth. “Fukubuchou!”

“There are no zombies. Apologize to Yukimura.”

“But Sanada-fukubuchou, they’re…”

“Apologize.”

Sneakers squishing as he walked, Kirihara walked back into the lockeroom. He blinked. Where did the zombies go? The body was still there, he was even screaming a little now, but the zombies were gone. The team was standing in their warm-ups, watching him carefully.

“What did you eat?” Yukimura asked, patting Kirihara on the head and leading him by the shoulders to stand next to Jackal.

“I didn’t eat anything! I had a cup of punch some golf team person gave me, though.”

Niou snickered. “Don’t worry, buchou, I’ve already got it covered.” Niou took out a digital camera and showed something to Yukimura.

“Wonderful. Do let me know when the crystalis breaks. I’d like to have a conversation with them.”

Niou saluted and tossed Kirihara a smirk. Kirihara ignored him. “Hurry up and hit him, fukubuchou, I get second swing,” Kirihara said, his fists clenching at his sides. “There should be lots more, too. Yukimura-buchou’s brownies sold out.”


End file.
